Behind the engagement

Despite historical and religious twists and turns, engagement today is mostly a couple's relationship cultural… construction. Prelude to the wedding, both in front of the public and in front of them.

And although I believe that today everyone has access to the Internet, which is full of different forums, discussions and stories of experiences abundance, where the engaged can find confirmation and support of what is going on in their thoughts and hearts at every step in the depths of the chambers, it must be admitted that engagement has acquired the aura of pressing excitement of Hollywood romantic films, in which everyone agrees – starting with the couple themselves, publicizing this new status and the details related to it, ending with the neighboring houses janitors and supermarket shop window slogans - capable of knocking even the most self-sufficient among us off our feet.

The different faces of engagement

That's why, like Rosamund Pilcher's Tuesday evening insatiably sweet whipped cream, it's nice to refresh with some footage of a documentary film, it doesn't hurt to look at such a romantic period of life as engagement with reality for honest eyes – for peace of mind and a sure confirmation of what and how life can look close-up. Let's look together, which often remains in the background for couples' engagement photo sessions and the structured rush of wedding planning.

This is necessary in order to recognize the different but clearly real faces of engagement, without getting confused in your feelings and would use the apparent downs as a springboard for the uphill race to which the engagement actually leads road.

Engagement as a volcano of joy

For all those who waited, wanted and hoped to move their relationship to family status, so to speak, the fact of engagement most often sets off a volcano of pure joy. Greetings from near (and far), repeated stories of how exactly and how it really happened, highlighting the smallest details, swirls of thoughts and impressions of both sides. Newly acquired trophies – looking at the ring again and again as a couple, with family and friends, possibly also reliving the event in the commemorative photo session in the sunset clamps of the rooftops.

And it's good that it is! Because both professional psychotherapists and experienced wedding planners agree that it is appropriate to experience this wave of joy with the passion of a surfer, leaving the technical details for later - a more constructive and down-to-earth time. True joy is a modern nugget, so it deserves ours undivided attention and unabashed ability to accept it.

Stinging doubt, fear and feeling of helplessness

But, at the moment when the eruptions of the volcano of joy have subsided and their cooled lava streams have been directed towards the wedding on the patient and scrupulous shores of planning, Cinderella's original emotions at the ball can be transformed, no, not in a pumpkin, but in real fear, anxiety and, yes, even sadness? Yes. Would that mean recklessness was committed error? Because if you really loved each other, you would already feel unequivocally and undeniably happy? No. Because no everything our culture and Rosamund Tuesday movie nights have been telling us (and you) for years is true.

To be fair, of course there are enough people (and it's a good thing!) who feel happy all their engagement period, but there are at least as many such women and men (let's not forget that this is a story about two involved), who are completely unprepared to face sharp and almost physically piercing doubts. The uncertainty that accompanies fear of the unknown, sudden loneliness and feeling of helplessness. And everything around us screams that in big letters "it's not right", "it shouldn't be", or even worse, "it's not a good sign". Because “if I really loved him, nothing nothing like that would happen”. Getting into complexes about your own thoughts and fearing to share them with those around you. And who are likely to confuse you with wringing your hands and re-checking engagements posted on Facebook in dumb rebuke the ecstatic snapshots of the party, just wouldn't understand.

Sweet snoring reality nearby

Of course, there will always be compromises between the prince on the white horse and the sweetly snoring reality next door, which as the day goes on always defends and protects, but at night regularly turns to the far side of the bed, taking away the entire blanket.

Oh yes, and there will also be the ex, who will occupy the thoughts of the day and the dreams of the night, virtually reminding that directly and only with he was the only feeling you had. Then the question will be right: "Why am I not marrying him right now, if only once?" he was so special and our love so unique? Hmm, because he was weak in character? Because he didn't want to take it responsibility? Or maybe because they didn't really accept me and didn't let me near them either?" That's probably why he is too has become an unattainable long image in the head, which is easily misinterpreted as love.

Doubts and fears are not bad

The gulf between expectations, perceptions and reality is enormous. That is why it is important to keep a cool and common sense, that doesn't feed off of soap operas or catchphrases picked up on Pinterest by Sunday tipsters under the hashtag Doubt. But anyway remind yourself and your logic that all these unexpected emotions mentioned above just mean that you are rational, intelligent and responsible person who weighs all aspects of your relationship before committing to for the rest of his life.

That's right. Take a breath and pat yourself on the back for taking a really careful approach to your life. Doubts? Fear? They are not bad. The problem arises when we equate them with instinct or intuition.

Yes, doubt can (and is!) a great indicator. If there is something scary or destructive nearby, drawing attention to relationship addictions, a mentally unstable, possibly even dangerous, abusive partner or our own trust and unhealthy control problems. But today's anxious mind often cycles on self-created negativity to future projections, to exhausting, if not terrifying, horrors. They are a priori unanswerable, therefore the more frightening and more disturbing to our already irritated internal signals.

Fair and alive

Doubts in the real world - the world that begins after the TVs are turned off, the computers are put away and the social network algorithms. They mean asking new and deeper questions for yourself and your partner.

Doubt means honest conversations and valuable revelations. Doubt means growth and coming closer in new ways and in the heights. Doubt means believing that this is real, which is why all consciousnesses and drives focus so much on it undivided attention.

And there is definitely a movie or a book somewhere, where exactly like this – honest and alive – is the most beautiful and with the best possible outcome. If not, it will be very soon.

Photo: MIKS SHELS / www.mikssels.com

The author of the article: ĐARTA DANĕVIČA